Who Do You See In the Mirror?

Your perception is your reality. The image that you see off the glass walls you pass by as you go to work everyday can be different things depending on which reality you adapt for that day. You can take it from the world’s reality that a smile from a handsome stranger affirms you are beautiful. Or waking up with a pimple will ruin the interview you have scheduled on that day. Or that the wrong skirt can break a business presentation. Or that sans earrings, you’re not worth listening to. Or that looking young warrants you not the respect due your age or experience. Or that dressed in a uniform with “cleaning service” embroidered on it makes you invisible and undeserving of people’s time or smile.

Your perception is your reality. The image that you see in the mirror everyday can be different things depending probably on how your hormones are causing you to feel that day. You can take it from your own perception of yourself which also depends on so many other factors. You may have finished the past day with a victorious closed deal. Or you have let the day the day go by accomplishing nothing. Even with the earnestness to start a change for the better on that fateful day, you still found yourself weak-willed and too tired to make the most of your day or even your month. You’ve resigned yourself to that since you’ve ruined the first and second week, not much can be done for the third and fourth week. So instead of living your days with passion and joy, you’ve settled on just getting by. And in the middle of that rut, you realize that no amount of soul-searching have led you to love yourself better. Now you think you don’t deserve any love, not from the mistakes you’ve made, the opportunities you’ve wasted, the people you’ve hurt or much worse, didn’t care about. So now, instead of showing the world what you’ve got, you’ve chosen to become an wallflower, pretty enough for a compliment, but powerless to make a difference, invisible nonetheless…

Your perception is your reality. The image that you see of your life as you look back can be different things depending on which reality you will give most power to. You’ve hated how your days have gone by, but you feel powerless to do something about it, to make a U-turn from the detour you already are in. You abhor yourself, saying to the girl on the glass wall,
“no amount of make-up can cover the failure that you are… no height of heels can fool people into thinking you are loftier than the problems that you have allowed to weigh you down.”
You tell the person in the mirror,
“You are your sin. And for that you are a hopeless, unrecoverable, lazy, unlovable, passionless, powerless individual.”
Now, you wish to be invisible.

Your perception is your reality. But which reality have you chosen to believe? Which reality have you chosen give to give the most power to? The world’s? Yours? Your past? Logic? What else is there to believe?

There is a truth, however, more powerful than any truth science can prove. And that is the truth that is God’s. His perception can be your reality if you believe in it, and afford it more power than even the most obvious truth the world can project. He can defy even the truths that have already been established as laws. He is God, the maker of heaven and earth, that maker of man and that includes you. He made you. And He made you brunette, petite, not so good in science but brilliant in arts, for a purpose. If there is any truth that should matter, it’s His. His is the truth that sets you free. He has freed you from the shackles of the accuser that is the devil. He has freed you from sin that bruises and wrinkles your reflection in the mirror. You are not hopeless, unrecoverable, lazy, unlovable, passionless, powerless… invisible. In His perception, you are much more than your sin, your past and even more than your present. So what is His perception of you? I believe these powerful texts I have borrowed from Graham Cooke have said it best…

“The Lord says that there is nothing that you can do that would make Him love you more. There is also nothing you can do that would make Him love you less.

He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you because
He loves you, because that is what He is like, it is His nature to love, and you will always be the beloved.

And His love is unchanging,
And He loves you 100%,
He won’t love you any better when you become better.
He loves you 100% right now,
And even if you have no plans to become better, He will still love you 100%;
Because He loves you, because that’s the way that He is,
And even if you don’t want to change, He will love you 100%.
Even if you have no plans to walk with Him, He will love you 100%,
Because that’s his nature.
He loves all the way all the time.
His love is unchanging.
What will change says the Lord is your ability to receive my love,
And this evening, I want to cram some more of that ability inside you.
So I challenge you says the Lord,
Open your heart to me,
Open your heart to me
And you will receive more of my love than you’ve ever experience before,
I dare you says the Lord,
Come on, open you heart to me,
Give me your heart,
Give me whatever your obstacle is,
I’ll take it, I’ll remove it out of the way,
Because I love you as you are right now.
I love you 100% as you are right this moment.
I love you as you are, so be loved.
You are the beloved,
It is your job says the Lord, to be loved outrageously,
It is why I chose you,
And it is why I set my love upon you,
That you would live as one who is outrageously loved.
That you would receive a radical love,
So radical it will blow all your paradigms of what you think love is.
And know says the Lord,
I will love you outrageously all the days of your life,
Because I don’t know how to be any different,
This is who I am,
And this is who I will always be,
This is the I Am that I promised you,
I am He that loves you outrageously.
And you may love me back with the love that I give you;
You may love Me back outrageously,
With the outrageous love that I bestow upon you.
And know this says the Lord
You can only love Me as much as you love yourself.
So My love comes this evening to set you free from yourself,
To set you free from how you see yourself.
To set you free from the smallness of your own thinking about yourself,
My love comes to set you free from rejection,
And from shame, and from low self-esteem,
And from despair and from abuse.
Because when I look at you says the Lord,
I see something that I love,
And I see someone that I can love outrageously.
And I have so much to bestow upon you,
So much to give you, so many places to take you in My heart,
But you can’t go there unless you allow Me to love you.
And my love for you, will break every barrier,
Bring every wall crashing down,
And know this says the Lord,
My love damages fear,
My love hates fear
My love will fight fear
It will fight fear in you
It will fight fear around you,
And if you have fear this evening says the Lord,
Then know that you have a treat in store,
Because My perfect love casts out fear,
There is no fear where I am present,
Because My love casts out fear.
Beloved, you are My beloved,
You are My beloved,
And in My love I want you to feel good about yourself.”

-Graham Cook, “Inheritance”

Come and teach me, Lord, how to love to me.

What Blueberry Cheesecake Taught Me About Waiting for Love

Although my blog is entitled "Just Desserts", I've specifically added a disclaimer under it to clarify that it is not a food blog. It is, therefore, not meant to be a list of time-tested dessert recipes nor am I expected to be a food expert. Although what I'll be writing today will probably closely resemble a food blog, it is not meant to be taken as a serious guide on how to make blueberry cheesecake. As you will see in the food jargons I’m using, I barely even know what I’m talking about. In fact, anybody who can share with me their secrets to making the softest and lightest cheesecake batter is very much welcome to leave a link to their tutorial in the comment space. With that said, allow me to take you back a few of weeks ago when my uncle and aunt from Virginia came over for a visit. We have not seen them in a long time so my mom asked me to make, not bake, them the blueberry cheesecake I'm known for in the family which isn't exactly my own recipe. I got it straight from the cream cheese box. Now, emphasis on the phrase "not bake", because anything that involves fire, or any degree of heat is still beyond my comprehension. My food preparation skills are really limited to mixing stuff together and layering them one on top of the other. It's right between layering bread+jam+bread to make a sandwich and beating, layering and chilling cream to make mango float. Now, you have an idea of my level non-expertise. And so I made my first cake. It actually turned out quite well. The all-purpose cream and cream cheese mixture was perfect. It had a bit of air incorporated into it which gave it a light "foam-like" texture. I noticed that after a considerable amount of mixing and whisking, i was able to accomplish what I would call "soft peaks". It was exactly what I was going for and true enough, it was a hit. My uncle and aunt loved it. They even told my other relatives about it. A few days later, my uncle was craving for my blueberry cheesecake, so my mom bought the ingredients and asked me to make another cake. I came home that day from work at around 9pm, tired, so I was able to start working on the cake at around 10pm. Quite late actually, so my brain wasn't performing at its optimum level. I started beating the all-purpose cream while our house help mixed the cream cheese, milk and sugar into a smooth consistency. Because our house help took care of the cream cheese mixture and the crust was already done, I was glad I had time to perfect the texture of the cream. I got so into it, folded enough air into the cream that it finally reached soft peak. It was perfect. I showed our house help and she agreed that it looked really good. As I was contemplating already on how to transfer it best onto the crust, it suddenly dawned on me that I haven't added the cream cheese mixture our house help was mixing. I looked at my creamy masterpiece, adored how perfect it looked. At the same time, I felt sad that I’d have to ruin it by mixing in the cream cheese mixture. There really isn't any other way to it but to combine the 2 mixtures. So combine I did, keeping a prayer in my heart that I’d still be able to accomplish the perfect soft peaks. Pockets of air started forming in the combined mixture. I thought, maybe if I beat it a bit more, then the pockets of air would reduce. Lo and behold, it got even worse. The mixture looked so bad, it was beyond repair. Our house help and I decided to throw in the towel after 10 minutes of trying to revive our mixture. We figured our mistake wouldn't be that obvious as we'll just be packing it in our cake pan (or whatever you call it) on top of the crust, then cover it with blueberry topping. We could probably just cover the entire top portion with the blueberry topping so the pockets of air, which caused craters, wouldn't be visible. That we did, but we spared telling my uncle of my flop. He didn't notice anything different, still said I made the best soft, light blueberry cheesecake he's ever had in his whole life. While I was glad that it is still worked out, I couldn't help but wonder what went wrong. I know I tried to follow every step we took to make the first cheesecake but I know there was probably something we did different this time. 2 Weeks passed. The last slice of the 1st cheesecake was long gone. Conversations with our helper about our mishap lasted about a week long. But I still kept thinking about it. Maybe next time I should whisk the cream cheese mixture more? Should I have spent a bit more time folding air in the all-purpose cream mixture or should I do otherwise? 2 weeks since my uncle and aunt's visit, another set of aunt and uncle, this time from Canada, came over for a visit. My mom once again asked me to make my blueberry cheesecake. This got me and our house help contemplating on how we are going to do it this time. We started 8 in the morning. I had training at 10 so we basically had only 2 hours to make the cake. We were a little bit worried that we won't be able to finish on time, considering the trial and error we were about to put in. I had put the all-purpose cream into the mixer. As I was starting to beat it, a thought came to me which brought me back to the first cheesecake I made for our first visitors. I remembered being in a hurry that time so I was only able to beat the cream for a short period of time. I incorporated enough air, but not enough to make it stand on its own. I tried the same technique this time. Beat the all-purpose cream, folding in enough air to make it a bit stiff and foamy, but not enough for soft perfect peaks. Then, when the cream cheese mixture was all smooth, we combined the 2 mixtures together. I took time in blending it, folding in more air. The process worked out quite smoothly, and so did the mixture. It formed the perfect soft peaks I was going for. The air in our cheesecake batter was enough to make it rise, giving our cake a bigger yet softer volume. Our house help and I marveled at the final product and relished spreading it over our crust. We added the toppings. At last, a successful attempt at making, not baking, cheesecake. It tasted good, according to my aunt. Good enough for me to open up my own cheesecake house she said. Of course, she wasn't telling me to quit my day job and make a living out of making cheesecakes. But it was that good, I would like to believe. I tried to make sure that it has enough flavor, rich enough, but with light enough volume at the same time so people won't be sick of it after only 1 slice...

Now, what I’m really driving at with this blog is not a narration of my experiments in the kitchen. I'm not a cook, for now, I’m quite sure of that. But one thing I’m quite certain that I am is a student of life. In that moment that I found myself staring at the beater breaking into the cream as it built structure and volume, I had an epiphany which taught me a pretty valuable lesson that went beyond making the perfect cheesecake. My previous blog detailed an encounter I had with the mysterious gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. Although for the naked eye, that mystery was never solved, it may have taught me already the lesson God intended for me to learn from it. Accomplishing the soft peaks for my 2nd cheesecake simply was an affirmation to that.

It has been 7 years since my last relationship which also happened to be the last time I ever dated. Since then, I've considered it a waste of time and an unnecessary preoccupation to be in a relationship with a guy. Deep in my heart I know this solo-flight will come to an end. When? I don't know. I just know that at some point in my life, whether it be in the near or distant future, I’m going to have to learn to give up this "independence" that allows me to sleep well at night without thinking about how the day went for a significant other. I have enjoyed so much that liberating feeling of not waiting for somebody’s text or call, of not having to stress myself picking the perfect 1st, 2nd or 7th anniversary gift, of not having to worry about getting somebody upset for forgetting to make my presence felt in his life during the day. Somehow, I know all that freedom is going to expire, to be replaced by a greater sense of freedom which I probably will enjoy more in the company of a significant other. I have enjoyed that independence so much I even working so hard to enjoy it. My guy friends have told me that most guys would already be intimated by me considering all the things I could do on my own. Although, my life isn't perfect, far from it, I honestly cannot see it getting messed up by the introduction of another person's imperfect life. I may not have reached perfect soft peaks yet, but I know I’m already so close to forgetting that I have yet to be incorporated into the cream cheese mixture. Maybe, I have already taken time to incorporate "air" into my life enough to allow me to have texture and volume and to even stand on my own at times. Maybe, it's time to prepare myself to be blended into the cream cheese mixture. Oh, I do enjoy and yes, even up to now, cannot imagine letting go of the freedom of being able to stand alone, I also, most definitely, do not want to get involved with the cream cheese mixture already too stiff and too independent that I cannot allow a harmony of both our textures and flavors. This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time. I do admit that I still need a bit more air folded in me, but I guess I don't need to get so worked up seeing that my life isn't perfect soft peaks. It doesn't have to be. I don't need to have all the answers and I certainly don't need to stand alone forever. Although, I do know God is not done with me yet but it's safe to say that the beaters of my heart are already humming a different beat. It's probably no longer set to 5... I've turned it down to a speed of 3 or 4. And I guess, God's not done whisking the cream cheese mixture either. But in time, we'll both be at just the right smoothness and texture ready to be blended in. When that time will come, I still don't know. I do pray I’d have the patience to wait and not be tempted to set the speed up again to 5 or 6 just to get some action. I guess all I'm saying is I'm just about done being the "all-purpose" cream that I am now, and probably, in a nearer future, be ready to serve one purpose... to blend in perfectly with my cream cheese mixture and be the best cheesecake we can ever be! In God's perfect time...

Mystery Man 2: The Unsolved Case of Gorgeous Eyes and SuperCute Smile

I guess blogging should come naturally to me simply because this is exactly how I talk to myself everyday. Crazy? Yeaaahhh…. But it's actually one of the things that keep me at a safe distance from that "thin line". And so my thoughts as of late confuse me, yet reveal quite a lot of things about me. I've decided to write them down knowing that in the future, I'm sure I would like an explanation of why I am what I have become. I would very easily visit this blog and be enlightened by my past self. More purpose to keep up with this blog.

See, this is what I have observed. The very weekend after I've rediscovered my controversial blog written 6 years ago, the very weekend after I reactivated my blog by writing the blog that would allow me to get out of the rut I was in and back into the always open arms and love of my Savior, in that very weekend was indeed Valentines’ Day. Single as I am, with no prospects of a date, I was very satisfied with my plans for that weekend. Dinner and karaoke with single friends after coffee over Bible study with a dear friend. Then, lunch the next day at a party at my colleague's house then dinner with my family. My valentine’s weekend was quite full and planned. But 5 very fateful seconds was enough to shake the core of my conviction that I am not ready for a relationship, that i am definitely not looking to satisfy one of my heart’s desires.

February 13, 2010 - After my series of appointments that day, had a wonderful time explaining a new system of saving money to a few of my colleagues, culminated a few business transactions in the afternoon, learned my last appointment cancelled, i decided to head to the mall where my friend and i were to meet for a bible study. I figured I had a lot of things in my head and tasks that needed to be thought through, so I was grateful my last appointment was postponed. I reached the mall, headbanging in the cab. I needed coffee. I just took medicine for colds because my throat was sore and I was to sing in church the next day. So I decided to go to coffee bean, my favorite place to just sit alone and think through my day, my week, my life. Between starbucks and coffee bean, without a doubt, I’d pick coffee bean. I love the ambiance. It's not noisy, the people coming in are there for a purpose whether it’s to meet for business or play games on their computer. Carrying my handbag and a huge green duffel bag which contained my business essentials, I carefully made my way through the little bit crowded coffee shop. I caught sight of an empty table, situated at a corner. I thought

"Perfect! Just the privacy I needed!"

It was a bit close to where the restroom was, but what the hey, i thought. All the other corner tables were taken. It's better than being in the middle of where everyone is.

"Perfect!" I thought again...

Just as I was choreographing my moves so I don't knock down any coffee cup on my way to my table, I almost bump into this guy who was just exiting the restroom. I looked up with a ready smile as I was ready to literally make bumps and prospect anybody interesting for business.
My eyes shone as they gazed into a really gorgeous pair of eyes. Then my focus shifted to a really amazing supercute smile.

"Perfect!" My heart sighed...

He went on his way, I went to my table. I sat for a bit enough to rest my arms. Then decided to head on to the counter and order my coffee. Still recovering from sore arms and legs, I wobbled my way to the counter, and guess who I meet again? Gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. And guess what else? I'm lining up after him!
So I quietly, in an as-if-I-didn't-care kind of way, stood behind him, waited for my turn,
looked up to the menu board, tried to decide on what I was going to order. Gorgeous eyes and supercute smile turned around and looked at me. He smiled. I smiled. He looked back. Turned around again and whispered,

"I like your necklace"... to that I said, "Thank you!" (so he likes my necklace... I wonder what else he lik...)

My thoughts were cut off when he turned to me again and asked,

"So, where are you from?" to which I replied, "Just from here"
"from Cebu?"… "yes, from Cebu."

I guess he asked because from the way he looks and talks, he wasn't from this country.
It was now his turn to order. After he was done, I was next. He went to his table, didn't really know where that was. Then, I went to mine... which may I remind you was the corner table right across where the restroom was.

And so while I was doing my work, I somehow quietly waited for the caffeine from the coffee he was drinking to kick in and send him to the restroom. But I guess he had a high tolerance bladder because he apparently didn’t need to use the restroom.

I was still early. My friend wouldn't be arriving soon. I scouted the coffeeshop for a better corner table. I saw a few people lining up for the restroom, people coming in and going. Then finally, the Korean family occupying one corner table got up and left, so I quickly transferred my books and bags there. I tried not to think of gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. I probably wouldn't bump into him.... ever in my life. So there's really no point in finding him. I tried to finish what I could from my list of tasks. Just then, I caught a glimpse of the gorgeous eyebrows that framed those gorgeous eyes. It was him, sitting far from me, but still in the coffee shop, reading... I think. I put on my glasses just to check if it was him. And it really was gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. After a few minutes, I saw him get up from his table and went out the door.

So much for our exchange of smiles and little conversation. That would be the end of a short-lived mutual appreciation... me for his eyes and smile, him, for my... umm... necklace. I saw him standing outside the glasswall of the coffee shop, then he walked away. Now, I guess I really should forget about him.

And so about 30 minutes later, my friend walked in. She offered to order another drink for me. I chose tea since I was feeling a little cold. She went to the counter, leaving me all alone again at my table. Just then, I saw a familiar face, with gorgeous eyes and supercute smile, walk in the coffee shop and went straight to the queue for the restroom. When he got to the line, he looked around, and I as looked up(riiight…. like I didn’t see him come in), he saw me, he smiled. I smiled back. I guess we became mutual friends from all those smile exchanges we've already had.

I decided to get back to what I was doing... but I was extremely conscious that he was somehow right there, right in the middle of my peripheral vision. Just then, the unexpected happened. "unexpected" simply, because it doesn't happen a lot here in a very conservative country like the Philippines and it’s never happened to me. He ditched the line, and headed toward my direction.
I thought he was going to ask me to watch his bag while he was going to line up. But what he said was actually, quite unbelievable... He said...

"I don’t do this a lot, but i was wondering if I could ask you out to dinner sometime.."

I was shocked. So shocked that I only managed to say, regretfully now that I thought about it...

"It doesn't happen a lot to me as well, so I'm not very comfortable with it..."

He was, I believe, taken aback, confused, if I remembered correctly... then he headed toward the door. but before he went out he looked at me again... I smiled, he smiled...

and that was that...

So for you who's reading, whoever you are... no need to count on an exciting twist to this story... because this is where it ends... I didn't see him again... and sad enough, there's a higher possibility of never seeing him again.... My bible study the following Saturday took me again to that mall... but no sign of him.

I'm normally trained to start conversations with anybody, and get numbers... but that one time left me unprepared. I wasn’t even able to get his number, or email address... Oh my, I don't even have his name!!! So I guess I will simply have to remember him as gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. But really he was quite brave to go out of his comfort zone and talk to me and ask me out... and even smile after I just rejected him. I should've even invited him to stay... or even to the singles event I was actually organizing the Tuesday after that... but I was speechless. I’m almost never at a loss for words, but I guess there’s a time for everything. Then I thought if he had asked for my number or email address, I definitely would've given it. But dinner.... was a little out of my league… or was it?

Now that seriously got me thinking. I was organizing a singles speed dating event for the Valentines season so singles can have a proactive option of an approach in dealing with their love lives... But was I even ready to date? All this time I was organizing this event, I've been calling "denial of our desire to date, now that we're old enough to" a hypocrisy. But actually, deep down, I was the one who still allowed myself to be trapped in that hypocrisy.

So now, I actually have, for lack of a name, "brave man with gorgeous eyes and supercute smile" to thank for having opened my eyes to this truth about myself. If a gorgeous guy like him would ask me out again, I probably still wouldn't go all out to dinner right away, but coffee is definitely better for me, lesser stuff on the table to think about, not have to worry about which utensil to use... but good conversation over coffee would be best for a first than dinner.

If I could change how that scene ended, and this is definitely one of the very few moments in my past that I would love to change, I would say...

"I really appreciate that you noticed me. I am a little uncomfortable with dinner... but I would love to have coffee…"

Now, I'll just have to rehearse that line over and over so that it comes out of me naturally, whether I see it coming or not.

My Mystery Man

And I am back after a 6 year hiatus from blogging. Actually, I never did get into the blogging lifestyle. I just tried it once and never got around to doing it again until i found myself 6 years later, in need of the solace i can only get from going to an almost isolated resort in the outskirts of my urban life. I don't have the luxury of time for that, but i can't keep making that an excuse for not taking the time out to isolate my thoughts and try to get them back on track. In the span of 6 years, i found a lot of things about myself. one of them is, gasp in surprise, I have ADD. Experts have recommended that I take the time to sort my life, twice a day, before and after daily living.

As i was raking through my database for a folder, inconspicuously named to ward off privacy intruders, I remembered starting a blog 6 years ago that had "strawberry" in its title. I had a strawberry frenzy back then, thus using aliases like ichigo and fraise. Thank you blogspot for not throwing it out into the abyss of the world wide web.

And now, lo and behold, I'm back, blogging account reactivated. As for activating a blogging habit, we'll see about that. But for now, I'm making it a short term goal to finish this blog. This is how i found my old blog. It was written so long ago I even doubted I wrote it. But what intrigued me more, however, was the mystery behind the person i was writing about. Who was i writing about? Did i acquire amnesia and just totally forgot about a seemingly passionate love-hate relationship with a guy? I tried to recall my boyz in 2004. Really, it shouldn't have been hard to recall because i didn't have any. Was it any of my X'es then, or possibly any of my past 2 bosses whom i hated? Seriously, I would really love to meet the guy I wrote about. He seemed really awesome! Now if I can only remember him...

From years of watching CSI and Criminal Minds, I've acquired enough investigative and detective skills of my own to solve this mystery. The only perspective i could get from the blog was really just my own, obviously, 'cause I'm the blogger. Duh!! moment back there. But who was it that I cursed so blatantly? Who did i backbite? Who did i slap with indifference? Whose patience did i cross, and knowingly test, yet did not break? Who, despite knowing me and knowing I can't love him as much, loves me just the same? Who would, despite all these, still carries me to safer grounds, patches up my wounds, wipes my tear and stands by and with me at the end of the day. Is he real? Even though, through the 6 years, I've had episodes of doubt, I've become enough of a believer to say "Yes" to that. Is he human? Yes, that's why I know now he knows every bit of what I have been and am going through. And now that I find myself in a somewhat similar circumstance, undisguised passiveness toward him, seeking the limits of his patience, crossing the line one too many times, his love remains true and faithful as is did 6 years ago. The world has changed in the last 6 years, and so have I, yet he remains. Is any human capable of this supernatural love and faithfulness? I looked back to this line from my old blog "i gave him what could be the most painful thing any being could give to another...". Emphasis be on the word "being". It was then that I solved the mystery. I know I carefully chose that word because i could not reconcile all those things my mystery man was, is and did to the word "human". In 6 years, I've found out he is more than that and is capable even of much more.

I am right now going through another episode of doubt, but i know that when all this comes to pass, i'll have him.... standing beside me, wiping my tear, patching up my wounds, carrying me to safer grounds. i did not love him as much. i did not ask him to love me. he knows that. and to my so-called misfortune, he knows me all too well. i didn't bother sugar-coating my passiveness toward him.... he knew i didn't care. i gave him what could be the most painful thing any being could give to another.... indifference. yes, i made him suffer. he ached, yes, yet for some unknown reason, he welcomed every bit of the face-slapping indifference, back-biting ingratitude and tongue-lashing curses i threw his way. i sought the limits of his patience, trod along the borders and may have crossed the line too many times. but he keeps pulling the line an inch farther, all the time.

I wrote this, probably, with hatred 6 years ago... But i wrote it with the passion of a girl, fighting and running away from love, but fell for it anyway. I miss that passion. And while I am praying for it, i know enough to know that...

God is real. God is Love... Ergo, Love is real...